When people think of the causes of divorce, certain scenarios come to mind –
infidelity, money problems, in-law issues,
domestic violence, and mental illness, but differences in parenting? Now that’s not
commonly talked about, but we assure you it’s a very real issue
that plagues plenty of marriages.
Traditionally, when someone meets another person, falls in love and decides
this is “forever,” they’re thinking about how much debt
the person is in, the kind of job they have, how good they look, and how
well they treat them.
They’re not giving much thought into how their partner was raised,
or how they “feel” about co-sleeping with a baby, letting
a baby “cry it out,” sending a three-year-old to preschool,
attending church regularly, spanking, punishment, discipline, giving a
10-year-old a cellphone, letting a 14-year-old girl wear a short skirt,
or letting a 10th grader go on dates or stay out past 10:00 PM.
Does One’s Childhood Affect Parenting?
Many psychologists would attest that people’s childhoods can and
do affect their parenting, for better and for worse. In this MSN article, “Parents’ Childhood Trauma Linked To Mental Health Problems in Kids,” it explained how parents who faced severe stress and trauma in
their childhoods were at a higher risk of having children with mental
health problems, based on research from the University of California,
Los Angeles (UCLA).
“Parents’ Adverse Childhood Experiences and Their Children’s
Behavioral Health Problems” was featured in the
Journal of Pediatrics in July of 2018. The adverse childhood experiences discussed in the study include:
- Child abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Exposure to violence
- Substance abuse in the home
- Estrangement of a parent
- Death of a parent
"Previous research has looked at childhood trauma as a risk factor
for later physical and mental health problems in adulthood, but this is
the first research to show that the long-term behavioral health harms
of childhood adversity extend across generations from parent to child,"
said lead author Dr. Adam Schickedanz, a pediatrician and assistant professor at UCLA.
So, what is the link? According to the study, when parents have a history
of childhood trauma, such as drug or alcohol abuse in the home, child
abuse or witnessing one of their parents being abused, the parent has
a higher risk of having mental health problems, a
very high risk according to the study. In effect, the childhood trauma can severely impair
the person’s parenting abilities, which can lead to a harmful cycle
that is passed on from one generation to the next.
Early Childhood Trauma & Parenting
When children are raised by alcoholics or drug addicts, it’s not
unusual for them to be physically abused, screamed at, and to have their
basic needs neglected. So, these painful memories can certainly resurface
when they become parents themselves. If one spouse has had a difficult
childhood, research has proven over and over again that it can impact
their parenting abilities for the worse.
If a parent has suffered childhood trauma and does not make a conscious
effort not to repeat their parents’ mistakes, they can
duplicate them. And when such a person marries someone who comes from a stable, loving
family who demonstrated healthier parenting behaviors, the couple can
clash with their parenting styles.
When There is No Childhood Trauma
Just because a couple has different parenting styles, it doesn’t
mean that one of the spouses is necessarily a victim of child abuse. Religious
differences, differences in upbringing, and educational backgrounds can
influence parenting styles among other things. Even personality differences
and views on parenting can be enough to drive a wedge in a marriage. Sometimes
the wedge is so big, the marriage starts to break down.
According to Dr. Phil, disagreements over discipline can turn parents against
each other, even in the strongest of marriages. One couple disagreed so
much about punishing their children that the husband would often leave
the house to sleep in a hotel because he believes in spanking, while his
wife believed in second chances.
Dr. Phil advises parents to sit down and try to agree on a method of discipline
when they’re not having a problem. When parents can discuss it calmly,
he says they’re more likely to come up with a plan that they can
stick to. He says it allows them to talk about what’s in their children’s
best interests instead of “who’s right.”
“Make sure that your child sees both parents following the same guidelines,
no matter what the scenario. Once your kids start receiving the same treatment
from both parents, they'll stop using your disagreements as a way
to avoid punishment,” is the advice on
Parents who have disagreements in parenting styles will encounter different
issues at different ages. Some parents realize dramatic differences in
parenting views when their children are infants, while others will notice
problems during pre-school, elementary school, or not until high school.
Parenting conflicts often surround:
- Co-sleeping. Should the baby sleep with us or sleep in a crib?
- Letting the baby “cry it out.”
- Bedtime (at all ages).
- Making a child finish all of the food on their plate.
- Spanking and slapping.
- Yelling at the child.
- Letting the child cry (or getting mad when they do).
- Sibling rivalry (some parents have zero patience).
- Disciplinary action over poor grades.
- What the child wears.
- Who the child plays with.
- What the child eats and drinks.
- What chores the child does or when.
- The use of video games and electronic devices.
- Dating and sexual activity (teenagers).
- Physical punishment.
- Non-physical punishment – it’s severity and duration.
If you are having so many upsets over different parenting styles, know
that you are not alone. If the problem has become unbearable and you’re
divorce, reach out to our Los Angeles divorce firm to schedule a
free case evaluation.
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