Marriage – the theory is that we’re in it for life, but roughly
half of all first marriages end in
divorce in the United States. Second and subsequent marriages have an even higher
rate of divorce, which makes us ponder, “Why does the risk of divorce
increase with each marriage?” It’s definitely something to
think about, especially if you plan on remarrying after your divorce.
Some people ask serial husbands and wives, “Why do you keep getting
married when each union you have ends in divorce?” Often, the reply
will be something to the effect of, “I love being married. I’m
the marrying-type.” For these hopeless romantics, they believe that
once you fall in love, marriage is the natural next step.
If someone gets married and divorced twice, they’ve probably established a
pattern: The beginning of the relationship is hot and heavy. They fall in love
and rush to the alter. Maybe they were blinded by their partner’s
exceptional looks or their money. But once the reality of marriage sets
in, the couple realized they didn’t have much in common. They realized
they were incompatible. They learn that they were so excited about the
relationship, they were blindsided and ignored all the red flags.
If a person’s been
married twice, they might have had poor judgement, but by the third marriage,
it’s time to recognize it and deviate from it for good. Even better,
divorced spouses coming off their first marriage should pause and reflect
on what went wrong. They should identify the underlying issues and set
a firm policy not to repeat the same mistakes while looking for husband
or wife number two (who’s hopefully the last).
Signs You Hit the Jackpot
When your marriage ends in divorce, almost guaranteed there will come a
time when you want to date again. It could be right after the divorce is final,
or it may not be for six months or a year after you’re officially
single again. Either way, you’ll eventually get your mind off the
divorce and on to potential suitors. If you’re lucky, you may find
someone who makes you consider remarrying, or whom you’ll at least
want to spend the rest of your life with.
So, what might reel you into the idea of finding your soulmate?
- The physical intimacy gets better instead of getting worse.
- The “mental connection” gets stronger, not weaker by the day.
- You get closer instead of feeling more like roommates.
Seriously thinking about looking for
Mr. or Miss. Right again? Here are our top three pieces of advice for dating after untying the knot:
Rule No. 1: Don’t get married because your suitor wants to be married.
If you’re like a lot of newly-divorced individuals, you’re
a little gun-shy about re-marriage. However, that’s not going to
stop you from meeting plenty of singles who want to get married in the
near future. Of course, if you meet the right person, you may go from
having zero plans of remarrying to wanting to get married again –
you just never know.
While dating however, don’t jump into marriage because the person
you like wants to be married. If you’re not feeling it, you should
not submit just to make the other person happy. If you compromise, the
marriage could be a recipe for disaster.
To remarry, you should really want it. Marriage is tough and you should
not enter it unless you do some soul-searching. Realize that if you meet
the “right” person, you very well could go from, “I’m
never getting married again,” to “I want nothing else in this
world than to be married to you,” so be prepared for the unexpected.
Rule No. 2: Understand why your first marriage failed.
You’re a guy who has a penchant for buxom blonds in their mid-twenties
– so what if she’s not that smart or from a broken home? Or,
you’re a gal who dates men based on the numbers in their bank accounts
– you’re not worried about the lack of physical attraction.
Or, you get lonely and you’re in the habit of falling in love too
easily. Or, you have mother or father issues and tend to date people who
treat you like the mom or dad you never had. All of these ways of finding
a mate are superficial and don’t necessarily make for a happy marriage.
Regardless of what went wrong in your first marriage, it’s important
to understand what worked and what didn’t so you don’t repeat
Common mistakes in first marriages:
- Marrying for looks alone
- Marrying because of money
- Marrying to make one’s parents happy
- Marrying because of an unplanned pregnancy
- Marrying out of fear of being alone
- Marrying out of loving the “idea” of marriage
- Marrying to make one’s partner happy
Before dating again, think about what didn’t work in your first marriage
and make a conscious effort not to let history repeat itself. For example,
if you and your spouse grew apart because you had nothing in common, look
for someone who shares a lot of the same interests as you. Or, if you
wanted to start a family and your spouse didn’t want kids, don’t
get into a serious relationship with someone who has no intention of having children.
Rule No. 3: Live in the present.
When you’re dating, you’re going to date people who’ve
been in previous relationships, or who have even been married before.
If you start to get serious with someone, avoid throwing their past relationships
or marriages in their face. In a fight, it may be tempting to bring up
your partner’s ex, but it’s a waste of time and counter-productive.
Remember, their relationship with that person is
Instead of thinking about your partner’s prior relationships or marriage,
focus on your firsts together. When you settle on a prospect, you’ll
have so many first together; for example, you may travel abroad for the
first time together, or you may buy a house together for the first time,
or you may adopt a dog together, or you may run a marathon together or
take your first cross-country road trip together. The idea is to forget
about your partner’s past relationships and instead focus on the
present and the life you build
You may be your partner’s second husband or wife or their sixth serious
relationship, but if you prioritize each other, you can bet you’re
saving the best for last.
Don’ts of Online Dating After Divorce